The Village Chippy, Trafford Park

First up my apologies for being a little workshy on the blog front recently. Truth be told getting the knockback from the Hollands Pie Panel has really taken the wind out of my sails. I think it's up there with the great injustices of our time, Brian Clough not getting the England manager's job, OJ Simpson walking free and Joe Strummer not receiving a posthumous Knighthood (Lord Strummer of Willesden and Cricklewood).
Anyway, onwards and upwards. I work in an area (Salford Quays) that is almost totally devoid of decent chippies. The nearest is Lou Macari’s near Old Trafford and to be honest it isn't up to much. It also bumps up its prices on match days booooooo! So, on a recent drive through nearby Trafford Park I was chuffed to spot a little side street that boasted all the necessities a working man desires, Greggs, Bookies, Post Office and most importantly, a Chippy.
It looked promising as I pulled up outside, a queue of people snaking out of the door is always a good sign. I ordered Cod and a large portion of chips and hunkered down at the little tables provided to enjoy my scran.
As you can see the Fish was a little on the small side, it also curled up at both ends. The batter was ok, maybe a little brittle but the Cod inside was reasonable enough. The chips were a major disappointment though, really dry and there was loads of those little “bitty” ones that are no fun at all. Another bugbear was the fact that I’d ordered a large portion and paid 40p extra for it, but the portion was what I’d call just a standard size and I can name many chippies off the top of my head where you get far more chips for your money. So, overall the Village was my first major disappointment and I'm afraid I can only award it a paltry four out of ten. I'm particularly gutted as I really do need to find a decent chippy within reasonable driving distance of work. If anyone out there knows of one, post it up. In other news, I’ve managed to recruit another like minded sole, our South East Correspondent Tom Dobson who will be publishing his first review shortly. Is there a North/South divide when it comes to the nation’s favourite dish? London lad Tom is the man who will hopefully supply some answers. He’ll also be musing on Gherkins in chippies and that perennial complaint of the Northerner down South “What no gravy!”. Watch this space.

Many are called...

But few are chosen and unfortunately I fell at the last hurdle in my bid to be a member of the Hollands Pie Panel. However I'm undeterred and the search for Chipshop excellence continues. Stay tuned for more news, reviews and tales of derring do with a plastic fork.
My quest has inspired a mate of mine Alex to begin adding a few Chippy reviews to his site at quosh.com it’s not just about fish and chips though. He's also a big fan of John Cooper Clarke who isn’t adverse to the odd pie himself.

Jimmy and the Pie Factory

I took my trusty camera along to Hollands on Friday for the final of the “Pie Factor” unfortunately however photography was not permitted inside the big kitchen. I was also made to sign a very official looking document agreeing not to reveal any of the secrets that might be revealed during the factory tour. I can tell you however, that once inside the palace of pies we were punted across a huge lake of Onion gravy by three dwarven gondoliers in a huge Silver aluminium pie tray to a wondrous land on the other side. There we were greeted by a lovely lady called Debra who gave us the grand tour, her enthusiasm and pride in her work were obvious and the scale of the operation in beautiful, downtown Baxenden was really impressive. The factory tour was followed by a short lecture on the history of Hollands which threw up some interesting facts. Apparently Hollands sell approximately one million pies every week and supply around 70% of the chippies in the North West with their pies. It was also revealed that the prize for being selected as a panel member is a massive 365 pies a year!
Then it was on with the real meat of the matter. When I started this quest for Chip Shop perfection, I never imagined that it would lead me to being blindfolded by a strange man who would then proceed to feed me sweetmeats! But that was the first task I was confronted with in my efforts to gain a place on Holland’s Pie Panel. Other tests included recognition of Hollands Products (I think I did alright there), recognising different types of meat and pastry, a test of my descriptive powers and my ideas for new products for Hollands. After reading the opening paragraph of this post I’ve just thought of another one...Chicken and Magic Mushroom. The tests were conducted totally seriously and anyone who does end up on the Panel will have really earned their place.
Then it was through to the little house next door to the factory for a bite to eat (yes I did have a pie) and a quick chat with some of the top brass including Triple H (Holland’s Head Honcho).
They seemed quite happily surprised by the amount of media attention they’d garnered but as I told HHH there’s a lot of affection for Hollands in this part of the world. Anyway it was a really interesting and enjoyable day and the folks at Hollands are to be praised for the way they look after their punters. It was a textbook lesson in how to sustain a brand’s popularity and relevance among its most ardent customers. Anyway did I get in? I don’t know, they’re going to let all the prospective Panel members know on Monday 27th October. Fingers crossed.

Some things are just wrong!

And deep-fried pizza is definitely one of them. No wonder the Scots have one of the highest rates of heart attacks in the world. Check out this little movie.

Wish me luck as you wave me goodpie!

My application has been processed and the good news is I'm through to the next stage of the selection procedure for a place on the prestigious Hollands Pie Tasting Panel.
I'm off to Hollands HQ in Baxenden next week where the applicants will be whittled down to the final 12. It’s kind of like the X Factor but with pies! First up there’s a tour of the “Big Kitchen” where the wearing of a Hairnet and protective clothing is compulsory. I reckon I'll look pretty good in a Hairnet though, like one of those East LA Chicano Low Rider type dudes. I’ll also be undergoing a Pie taste test and there’s a presentation on the history of Hollands too. Doubtless the good people there will also treat me to a pie or two as well.
It’s like the episode of Cheers when Norm got a job at the Brewery as a beer taster (though he still nipped back to Cheers in his lunch break). I’ll also be leaving with a goody bag containing a pack of pies and a model of a Hollands vintage van. I have already cleared a little space in my special trophy cabinet for that baby. Full story and pictures to follow.

Toffs’ chippy turns up trumps

No sooner do I mention Fosters of Alderley Edge in my Tompsons review below, than it gets nominated as the one of the UK’s top chippies. (It is a cracker). You can read the full story here and download the complete list of nominated UK chippies here.

Tompsons, Bury.

You can't beat local knowledge, so when the time came for another review and knowing that I’d be in and around Bury I turned to a man who treads the grim streets of that humdrum town where the rain falls hard, every working day. As well as being my nephew, Ernie is a friend, drinking partner and confidante, he’s also been a Postman in Bury for over 15 years. Despite his daily physical exertions he’s a little on the "portly" side which he puts down to his love of good provender and fine ales. Mind you he’s not in the same league as this postman! Anyway, I knew that Ernie would be the man to turn to for a pointer towards Bury’s best Chippy. Without a moment's hesitation he came up with one word “Tompson’s” and that was a good enough recommendation for yours truly.
Apparently the Thompson family sold the business to the current owners several years ago and insisted upon them dropping the “h” from the name of the shop. But its reputation still holds firm and Football teams visiting Gigg Lane have been known to stop the team coach for Fish and Chips there before heading homeward, which is always a good sign.
Plumping for the eat-in option I was impressed by the swanky decor including comfy leather seats and flowers on the table. The prices reflected this high level of comfort and style, £7 for Cod, Chips and Peas with a choice of white or brown bread and a cup of tea is top end for this part of the world. But any misgivings about Tompson's price policy soon disappeared as my plate arrived.
The slice of Lemon was another classy touch. Mind you at Fosters of Alderley Edge they even give you a slice of lemon on your takeaway, now that is posh!
The chips were a delight, solid, chunky and cooked to perfection. The fish was good too, fair sized with a light, crispy batter coating. On the minus side, although Tartare Sauce was provided, I wasn't offered the brown or tomato option (and I'm a brown sauce man, Hammond’s Chop if you want to be really specific). Also and this is not a criticism solely of Tompson's but the majority of chippies, what is it with these luminous green mushy peas? Has there been some culinary decree that I've missed out on? Mushy peas should be proper processed peas boiled up in their shells. The result is a greeny-greyish concoction that’s not particularly visually appealing but tastes delicious. Now nearly every chippy serves up these frozen ones with the extra bright food colouring. Well, I'm agin it and I want the world to know! OK, rant over. Anyway despite these minor criticisms, Tompson’s did indeed deliver the goods and they score a very respectable seven out of ten rating overall. Best in Bury? Probably but I'm searching for the “toppermost of the poppermost” and my search goes on!

Dream Job

Unless my request for the position of "waxer in chief" to Salma Hayek (grrrrrrrr) ever gets processed, this exciting opportunity must surely be the pinnacle of job fulfillment. Don’t worry chaps, my application has already gone in!

Armstrongs, Prestwich.

The vocal demands of a couple of readers meant that Armstrongs of Prestwich was to be my next port of call. Though it doesn’t have an eat-in section, Armstrongs is no humble back street chippy, not only does it have a website but it also has a USP. Armstrongs is the home of the Jumbo Cod. I'd been once before a good while ago and do remember that my portion of chips was huge and even though I'm the proud holder of a Harry Ramsden’s challenge certificate, I couldn’t finish them all. This time however the late Don Revie would have been proud of my preparations. A game of carpet bowls and a trip to the cinema to see The Odessa File the night before, then a strenuous workout at the gym to work up a healthy appetite followed by a short drive up to leafy Prestwich to tackle the fabled battered behemoth. Armstrongs offers a huge selection of soft drinks including the perennial favourite Ben Shaw's Dandelion and Burdock, there’s nowt better to wash your grub down with in my humble opinion.
The boy, who has displayed expertise at scrounging free meals since he first latched onto his mother’s tit 20 seconds after being dragged into this world, came along for the ride too. He chose Cod and Chips (£3.45), whilst I selected the Jumbo Cod and Chips (£6.35). Armstrongs has a unusually large menu for a take away including Prawns, it also offers a choice of Pies (Hollands and Greenhalghs) so it can’t be faulted for variety. I had to wait five minutes for my Jumbo, no worries.
To establish a sense of scale I am now employing the patented Bic Biro technique as you can see the boy’s "normal" Cod and chips was a fair size specimen so I waited with some trepidation for the arrival of the house special.
Whilst waiting I pondered a road sign outside which informed me that Simister was one and a quarter miles down the road on the left. I’ve always liked the sound of the name Simister, I think it’s a shame that Morrissey couldn’t have worked it into a Smiths song somewhere along the line. After all he namechecked Whalley Range and Rusholme amongst others. Maybe he’ll work it into his solo stuff? It’s got great lyrical possibilities...Stella the sinister Simister spinster, hmmm sounds more like a Fall lyric maybe. Mark E. Smith is a local lad of course, The Fall filmed this video up the road in the Woodthorpe Hotel, a cracking Joseph Holts pub which once used to be the Holts family’s home . The song’s not a patch on the R. Dean Taylor original mind.

Anyway my reverie was shattered by the arrival of my Jumbo cod. As you can see from the picture it’s up there with Ron Jeremy when it comes to man-sized portions. The chips once again were a huge mound and whilst me and the boy managed to wolf all the fish between us, the jockeys defeated us. So no doubt about it when it comes to value for money, Armstrongs is hard to fault and scores 10 out of 10 on that score. However if I'm being ultra-picky (which I am) I'd say the batter was a little on the greasy side and some of the chips were a little "bitty" which means I'd award Armstrongs an eight out of ten rating overall. Still definitely a top chippy and undoubtedly one worth going the extra mile for.

Gravy Wrestling Uncovered

Cheers to Quosh for emailing me this article and shedding light on what passes for entertainment in Bacup on a Bank Holiday Monday. How did that old Jam tune go "Found myself in a strange town..."

Grandma Pollard’s, Walsden.

Possibly the greatest General of all time Hannibal is reputed to have stated “to begin is to be halfway there.” So when the time came to kick off my search for Fish and Chips perfection, I decided to start at a place that I knew would get me off on the good foot as the Godfather of Sole would put it. A family day out at Hardcastle Crags above Hebden Bridge provided the perfect excuse for a visit to Grandma Pollard's which is situated directly opposite the railway station in nearby Walsden. The Pollard family have been serving up Fish and Chips for more than 50 years and their reputation as purveyors of top quality tucker is renowned in these parts. After a couple of hours walking around the Crags, me and the rest of the family were more than ready to tuck in. People queuing outside the door at 5.15 on a Monday night is a sure sign that you're not going to be disappointed. As we waited patiently we took in the range of delights on offer, not just top notch Fish and Chips fried in Beef dripping (as is traditional in Yorkshire) but also home made savoury pies, fruit pies and huge vanilla slices. All of which would have Fern Britton reaching for the wire cutters. A team of sturdy Yorkshire lasses were servicing the queue and in next to no time four lots of Fish and Chips and one home made Meat and Potato Pie, Chips and Gravy were being carted back to the car for immediate consumption. There is an eat-in option here but sometimes you can't beat wolfing your scoff in the car and steaming up all the windows. It's an approach that is particularly popular with old folk at the seaside and once I get to retirement age I guess I'll be joining them complete with my flask and blanket, staring out to sea, contemplating infinity whilst musing about Joyce’s hip replacement.
Anyway, back to the food. The Fish and Chips (£3.95) as anticipated were superb, the Fish in particular was done to perfection. Golden brown batter and lovely white flaky Haddock, take a look at the picture (in a perfect world all computers would have smellovision) and you could savour the aroma of Salt, Vinegar and Beef dripping. A nice old school touch is that they still come wrapped in newspaper - keeping it street yeah! I thought that the EEC had banned that? Having said that, we were in Yorkshire (just) and maybe the directives from Brussels haven't percolated down here just yet.
Minor quibbles were maybe just a tad too much salt on my portion and the better half said she didn’t get
enough chips, but then again she is a greedy get! Our lass’s Pie, Chips and Gravy combo was also proving a winner, tasty, crusty pie with a hearty filling and good old fashioned gravy with no lumps - delicious.
Grandma Pollard's scored a nine out of ten rating and has really set the standard. It'll take some beating.
On the way back we drove through Bacup, a town which is real “League of Gentlemen” country. We came across this Wrestling Gravy sign and would love to hear from anyone who could shed some light on it. Maybe like the infamous Coco-Nutters it’s just a Bacup thing?